The Anarchist and the Oyster
by Apo
Summary: One of the missions mentioned in Ptolemy's Gate. Pg. 35, footnote. Disclaimer: I don't own the Bartimaeus Trilogy. Please read and review!


The Anarchist and the Oyster

(One of the missions mentioned in Ptolemy's Gate. Pg. 35 footnote)

Rupert Devereaux called up John Mandrake.

"There is an anarchist stuck in a giant oyster. He was giving a speech about resisting the government and a giant oyster snapped him up. He may be an anarchist, but we need him out, so we can arrest him. We can't just stick him in an cell in an oyster," Devereaux explained.

Mandrake sighed. These kind of occurrences were happening on a regular basis.

"Summon a strong demon and come to this place now." Devereaux gave him the coordinates. Mandrake knew well enough that Jane was probably on more "important" matters.

Mandrake sighed again. He would have to summon a smart demon.

-- -- -- --

I was floating around in the Other Place, when a magician summoned me. I didn't bother with any particular guise. I wore Ptolemy's guise. Chances are it was Mandrake. I closed my eyes.

"What are you doing Bartimaeus?" Mandrake's voice inquired.

"Your face. I always have to prepare myself before looking at it." I goaded.

"You deserve to be punished for that," Mandrake growled.

"Who's gonna do it? You, Nathaniel? I'll reflect it right back at the piece of your body you call a face. It'll be a definite improvement of what you have now." I said.

"No time to argue with you," Mandrake said through bared teeth.

"You're doing it though. You must have time," I said.

"Get to these coordinates," Mandrake growled.

"Why'd you summon me, were the non-existent "others" not smart enough?"

"There were others! Just go." Mandrake said.

I skipped and disappeared with a poof. I appeared at the coordinates and looked around. It would be awhile until Mandrake's dreadfully slow car arrived. The place was deserted. I turned around and came face to face with a giant oyster, with a pair of legs sticking out of his mouth. The legs were kicking and its body was shouting.

"Hello," I said to the oyster. "You're good company. Can you hear me? Well you are rude. I'm talking to you!" I continued to amuse myself in this manner.

Mandrake arrived behind me with Devereaux and a group of magicians.

"Were you just talking to yourself?" Mandrake inquired.

"That's less embarrassing, so yes." I replied.

"What do you think we should do, Mandrake?" Devereaux asked.

"Brute force," Mandrake replied.

"Brute force isn't possible. The mouth has been sealed with magic. Something's clamped over its mouth. You just can't see it," I told them.

I grabbed the clamp and pulled. It came off easier than I expected.

The oyster opened its mouth and the man came out. He shot out green slob. I was thrown back by it. Me, the mighty Bartimaeus, humbled by an oyster, I'm glad Farqual wasn't here. Worse news though, the oyster started toward Mandrake and the group of magicians.

-- -- -- --

The oyster lumbered over toward Mandrake and the group of magicians.

"I don't see how it's moving," Bartimaeus said.

"What's that smell?" Mandrake scrunched up his nose.

"That would be Oyster over there who doesn't talk to me, but vomits over me. It's a great technique to meet friends. Oi, isn't that what you do, Mandrake?" Bartimaeus said.

Mandrake and the group scattered. Only one young man remained. He was gulped up by the oyster. Once again the oyster turned toward Mandrake.

"Well, he seems to like you," Bartimaeus said. He grabbed Mandrake and jumped into the air. With his free hand he shot an inferno back at the oyster. It bounced off the hard shell. Bartimaeus set Mandrake down on a rooftop. "Stay here." With a bound Bartimaeus returned to battle the oyster.

-- -- -- --

I shot another inferno at the oyster, just to be sure. It bounced off nearly hitting me. I decided to try something. As the oyster opened its mouth to inhale me, I shot an inferno straight into its mouth. The oyster splattered all over all the magicians, and me. Green slime all over me… again. I went off to retrieve Mandrake.  
"Thank you," Mandrake said.

"What? When I saved hide in the case of the Afrit, the Envelope, and the Ambassador's Wife; the affair of the Curiously Heavy Trunk, you didn't say one single thank you. I dropped some pretty big hints in that last one. Why now?" I asked.

"I decided it was time to," Mandrake promptly replied.

"It wasn't time when I saved your life three times in the affair with the heavy trunk!" I shouted.

"No," Mandrake said.

"I really don't understand you," I told him.

"I'm glad," he said.

"I'm not. I had a chance to improve your face and you refused! The cheek of you," I pouted.

"Oh get over yourself," Mandrake whined.

"Just dismiss me. I'm getting bored of you," I said.

He uttered a long and complex spell and I felt peace within me. As I swirled back to the Other Place I splattered all my slime onto Mandrake. As if he didn't have enough.

-- -- -- --

Mandrake needed to shower. Bartimaeus had just splattered slime on him. He started to walk when he realized he was on a rooftop with no way down. He looked down and noticed that Devereaux and the group of magicians were already gone. He reached into his pocket for his cell phone when he realized he had dropped it when Bartimaeus grabbed him up onto the roof. All he had was a piece of chalk. Mandrake sighed and wearily began to draw a pentacle.


End file.
